mayqueen517: (BAAABBIIIEEESS)
mayqueen517 ([personal profile] mayqueen517) wrote2013-04-08 07:51 pm

jesus christ

I'm getting really tired of getting shat on.

I feel like for every step forward I take, I get shoved back five. I can't fucking win for losing. I'm tired of it.

Fingers fucking crossed that my former boss contesting my benefits doesn't mean I won't get this week's benefits 'cause I need gas and I have to get to school tomorrow and Thursday. My grandmother thinks she's a fucking gift for advice after telling me "don't let it worry you" about my upcoming hearing with the unemployment people on the 18th.

I got to spend time with Jamie and Jeff today, which was lovely and I miss them like a hole cut out of my side. I get to see [livejournal.com profile] fictionalfaerie sometime on Wednesday and that's fabulous. But I have this fucking rain cloud just hanging over my head from waiting for this fucking unemployment hearing.

I can barely keep food down and any food I keep down, ends up making my stomach just ache because of the stress. I'm just so tired...tired of crying, tired of being stressed. I wanna sleep for three days and not worry about anything but myself. I want my stomach to stop hurting and I think I really just want my mother and grandmother telling me that there's no sense in worrying because the worst that can happen is they rescind my benefits.

Yeah, that is the worst. But that's not taking into account the consequences of my benefits being rescinded. I just.

Mentally exhausted all over again.

[identity profile] sparrowsverse.livejournal.com 2013-04-09 01:15 am (UTC)(link)
*smishes you*

Under those circumstances I would be stressed and exhausted too. Family means well, but sometimes they just don't say the right words or the words you want to hear. They say something else completely and you just want to curl into a ball under the covers of your bed and ignore the world.

That is alright. Get yourself together first. When I'm like this, I take some deep breaths, grab a box of kleenex and read a book or get out my journal I keep in my nightstand and just write all the bad feelings out. Now, what works me, might not work for you. But I hope it helps, at least a little bit.

As for your former boss, she is a fucking bitch. And she is going down.

*smishes you some more*
ext_52657: Lyrics from Empires (Midnight Land), Icon by me! (Sweet Princes)

[identity profile] mayqueen517.livejournal.com 2013-04-09 01:43 am (UTC)(link)
I just feel like I can't get ahead. And they act like it's ridiculous that I'm nervous/terrified of this hearing.

I honestly feel like I can't get myself together because every single time I try to do so, something comes down and bowls me over. I'm trying, it's just. Proving to be exceptionally hard.

Thank you, honey. *hugs tight* Right now I'm cuddling with the dogs while my big one (Molly) has her head plonked in my lap and refuses to budge. So that's going a long way.

[identity profile] sparrowsverse.livejournal.com 2013-04-09 01:54 am (UTC)(link)
Hey, I've been there and I would be nervous/terrified as well. It's your benefits. That is a big fucking deal and she denied you that. I'm a couple of provinces away, but I'm in your corner for this.

I know, this isn't the same thing, but when I broke up with my ex, I felt horrible yet freed at the same time (if that makes sense.) But I also felt like I couldn't get anything done and things in my life were falling apart. So, I just set myself a goal for a week. Just little things that made me feel good about myself. Something easy like taking the trash out in my room or making sure I had a night off with a friend. That sort of thing, like I mentioned in my comment before what might work for me, might not work for you. You find your own rhythm at getting shit done. Like a boss. That is my new line to myself, 'getting shit done like a boss'. I have no idea what it means, but it definitely empowers you. :)

Pet cuddles are the best, except when the cat scratches your arm trying to run away...come back kitty! *smishes you some more*
ext_52657: Lyrics from Empires (Midnight Land), Icon by me! (Sweet Princes)

[identity profile] mayqueen517.livejournal.com 2013-04-09 02:02 am (UTC)(link)
After the break-up I went through a few years back, I understand that totally. I'm just so tired of it all? I had started moving past a lot of the stuff dealing with getting fired and as soon as I started making more progress, BAM. 'OH NO YOU DON'T' and such.

I've gotta look up dates to talk to an adviser about next semester's classes and see about taking another biology class, eurgh. Little goals and all, but they add up. So yeah, I totally understand.

and ahahaha, Molly, when she's not done being loved on, puts her paw on us and kind of curls her claws under to pull our hands back to her. It's really hilarious. <3

*smishes* ♥ you.

[identity profile] sparrowsverse.livejournal.com 2013-04-09 02:08 am (UTC)(link)
It fucking sucks. :( But you can do this. Once you get past the hearing and have your benefits, you can get past it again. I know it doesn't feel like it, but I think this motto applies here: 'one day at a time', right?

School! Yay for school! I'm thinking about going back to school. Maybe using my work school assisstant program. I've been thinking about getting my business administration diploma.

My cat will paw at my hand if I stop petting him. Pets, so adorably flaily. :D

<3
ext_52657: Lyrics from Empires (Midnight Land), Icon by me! (Sweet Princes)

[identity profile] mayqueen517.livejournal.com 2013-04-09 02:15 am (UTC)(link)
I know. I just have a hard time keeping it in mind.

And dooo it! My plan is to finish up my associate's in the arts and then get a business admin because I take it anywhere, basically.

[identity profile] sparrowsverse.livejournal.com 2013-04-09 02:31 am (UTC)(link)
Getting shit done like a boss. ;)

See, I wish when high school was preparing you for after school education they talked about business admin diploma's. Because that's what you need mostly in the work force I'm finding. Half the jobs they post internaly at my workplace, ask for a Business Admin diploma. I certainly never got told any of this.

[identity profile] kelpierocks.livejournal.com 2013-04-09 03:41 am (UTC)(link)
Sending hugs and love. You will make it through this. That "one day at a time" thing might be a cliche, but mostly because it's true.
Are you taking your meds?

Icon to give you a laugh, hopefully.
ext_52657: Lyrics from Empires (Midnight Land), Icon by me! (Merry and Pip Shenanigans)

[identity profile] mayqueen517.livejournal.com 2013-04-10 03:04 am (UTC)(link)
*hugs and loves* And yeah, I'm taking my meds. I had slowly weaned myself off of my anti-anxiety meds, but the past few weeks have kind of just tore through them. But I'm taking them. *hearts;

And heee!

[identity profile] sullen-hearts.livejournal.com 2013-04-09 10:44 am (UTC)(link)
Why is she contesting it and like how is that a thing that can even happen? Is she saying you left voluntarily?
ext_52657: Lyrics from Empires (Midnight Land), Icon by me! (BAAABBIIIEEESS)

[identity profile] mayqueen517.livejournal.com 2013-04-10 03:15 am (UTC)(link)
She is appealing my right to benefits because, and I have a hearing on the 18th to determine if:
1 - "Whether the claimant (me) left work without good cause attributable to the employer"
and
2 - "Whether the claimant was discharged for misconduct or substantial fault connected with work."

Basically she is saying that I quit following discipline following misconduct. Which is bullshit, but that's okay, because I've got witnesses and if she thinks I'm going down quietly or without a fight then she is going to be in for a rude awakening.

I was reprimanded for my tone and I had gotten into a mild argument with Christy (she said something, I snapped at her and walked off, but it was in front of a coworker and two year olds/babies) (That is literally the "altercation" she keeps referring to.) and was put on leave following said argument. And slowly but surely, the conversations turned from putting me on leave due to my conduct but became more about me getting a doctor's note stating that I was "mentally stable to be around children" to return to work. My doctor refused to put that onto a doctor's note (as that would never leave me alone) and Jane didn't like that it didn't say exactly what she wanted. So I was put off for a few days and then by the end, she felt that I was "pushing too hard to come back to work" and so she let me go.

So that's basically what I dealt with in the first two weeks of December. And then six weeks later, I got my benefits.

And it is just NOW that Jane is appealing them. So YEAH, that's what I've been dealing with ON TOP of writing a paper and everything else.
Edited 2013-04-15 14:27 (UTC)