Me update.
5 September 2011 00:41![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mayqueen517I'm trying to throw myself into everything I can. And I feel like I'm just utterly failing. I feel like I am perfectly useless unless I'm doing school-work. I can tell that the prozac is taking the worst of the edges off at times (for example: while I can't ignore that voice totally, I noticed yesterday that it was definitely easier to NOT work myself up), but I'm still all over the place.
I want to write so much fic, I want to make so many posts about Empires, and about what I'm writing and what I"m doing. But all I have the energy for is school and homework, and sometimes reading A Feast For Crows.
I stayed with Jamie this weekend. She came down on Friday, to hang out, and I was talking to her and everything and she just looked at me really hard for a minute and said, "You're not okay, are you?" and I just stared at her for the longest kind of time, because I thought about lying to her. I thought about telling her that everything was fine because I'm tired of being the friend with everything going wrong.
But instead, I started crying and I told her everything. And I think it was the first time I unloaded to someone that wasn't my Mom. Because, despite it all, Mom knows about a lot of what I'm going through. I'm listless. I'm so quick to anger. I'm mean and snappish at times. I'm constantly sobbing at others. And the prozac is helping, I know it's helping, because it's taking the edge off, and Mom (and Alan, my doctor) reassure me that it's going to get even better in the coming weeks. But this was the first time I'd ever told Jamie about the full extent of everything.
So instead of freaking out, like I thought she would for some reason, she crawled over and hugged the shit out of me and let me cry on her, which she doesn't ever do. (Crying makes her vaguely uncomfortable, especially when it's me. Not because she doesn't love me, but rather, because she DOES love me.) (and she comforts me, yes, but in her own way.)
And then I ended up spending the weekend with her, which was nice. We ended up grilling out on Saturday and Jeff was surprisingly not abrasive. I was a little surprised that I was okay, but we spent most of today sleeping, which was great. I feel...better. Not 100%, not even 50%, but more like I'm getting there. I'm enjoying myself on Rockfic and it's nice to have that as a distraction again.
I promised myself, and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
verbosewrdsmith that I would write fic this weekend, and since I was gone for most of it, I'm gonna do just that.
So. There's me.
♥
I want to write so much fic, I want to make so many posts about Empires, and about what I'm writing and what I"m doing. But all I have the energy for is school and homework, and sometimes reading A Feast For Crows.
I stayed with Jamie this weekend. She came down on Friday, to hang out, and I was talking to her and everything and she just looked at me really hard for a minute and said, "You're not okay, are you?" and I just stared at her for the longest kind of time, because I thought about lying to her. I thought about telling her that everything was fine because I'm tired of being the friend with everything going wrong.
But instead, I started crying and I told her everything. And I think it was the first time I unloaded to someone that wasn't my Mom. Because, despite it all, Mom knows about a lot of what I'm going through. I'm listless. I'm so quick to anger. I'm mean and snappish at times. I'm constantly sobbing at others. And the prozac is helping, I know it's helping, because it's taking the edge off, and Mom (and Alan, my doctor) reassure me that it's going to get even better in the coming weeks. But this was the first time I'd ever told Jamie about the full extent of everything.
So instead of freaking out, like I thought she would for some reason, she crawled over and hugged the shit out of me and let me cry on her, which she doesn't ever do. (Crying makes her vaguely uncomfortable, especially when it's me. Not because she doesn't love me, but rather, because she DOES love me.) (and she comforts me, yes, but in her own way.)
And then I ended up spending the weekend with her, which was nice. We ended up grilling out on Saturday and Jeff was surprisingly not abrasive. I was a little surprised that I was okay, but we spent most of today sleeping, which was great. I feel...better. Not 100%, not even 50%, but more like I'm getting there. I'm enjoying myself on Rockfic and it's nice to have that as a distraction again.
I promised myself, and
verbosewrdsmith that I would write fic this weekend, and since I was gone for most of it, I'm gonna do just that. So. There's me.
♥
