mayqueen517 | Family things.

So, I have a big family. Not just on my Grandmother's side, actually. My Gramma's the youngest of 7 (8 if you count Buddy, who was a year old when he passed away) children, so there's that.

But what a bunch of you don't know is that my Grandfather had a fairly large family. My Gramma and Grampa split up when my Mom was pretty small, actually, mid to late-70's, I'd say. But when I was around 4 or so, Mom got back into contact with him.

I wasn't super close with him, but I mean, I loved my Grampa. He used to have me help work on cars with him. He restored these gorgeous classic cars, frame up, and he'd let me help. There's a couple of cars out there that got painted how I told him to. (Specifically, one a cousin owns that's an ocean blue with cream racing stripes.) (okay, so I pointed to colors in a book, whatever, I HELPED)

But he had two sisters and a brother and he was the baby.

He had a few kids of his own, with his third wife (the one after Gramma). Candace and Lauren are my older Aunts, a bit younger than Mom, while Lexi is. Well. She was a menopause baby, so she's only nine. *coughs*

His mother actually is still alive, but she's not doing too well now. She's actually in her last days. I'm not upset really? Like, I am, but I've met her...four or five times that I can remember, so it's not like I was close. But I used to always say that I wanted to go visit her and get to know her.

The problem with that is in the past year and a half, she's gone downhill with her health and dementia.

So I think I'm mourning missed opportunities, right now. But still, she's dying and I never got to know her.

Like I said, I'm not mourning her, so much as the missed opportunity of having her. If that makes any sense?

I dunno, Mom's going to go visit on Sunday, and asked if I wanted to go. I told her that I was going to go to The Young Veins/Rooney, but I could go earlier in the day. She just looked at me and said, I'm going to say goodbye because I knew her. I'm not going to be upset if you say you're not going to go.

And I felt relieved?

I feel awful for feeling so fucking relieved, because I don't know. I just. I know her barely more than I know my biological father, which is to say, pretty much not at all. The last time I saw here was in...2003ish when Grampa passed away.

I. Yeah. I think I'm going to veg out just a little bit. Because I know it doesn't make me a bad person to not go visit someone I don't know...but I feel like it SHOULD make me feel bad? Idk right now.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I understand why you would feel bad, but I overall agree with your mom on this. It's a shame you didn't get to know her more, but hey, you didn't get to know her more.

*nods*

I feel bad for not feeling bad rather than...feeling bad because I'm losing a family member, if that makes sense.

So I do think that I'll refrain from going to see her, because as it stands, I felt...more sorrow over Jamie's grandfather passing because I was closer to him than I am to Great-Gramma Henrietta.

I don't think I'll go visit her, because unfortunately, I didn't know her. But, yeah. I think I feel worse for the ones she's close to rather than anything else.

*hugs*. And man feelings can be tricky and odd. And really you don't have to feel bad.*more hugs*

I remember when my grandmother died(it was slow) and everyone in my family one by one wanted alone time to say goodbye(she was unresponsive by then)and when they kept asking me, I kept shaking my head and saying no I didn't need to say goodbye. Some of the looks I got made me think I was supposed to be wrong about my decision because everyone needs to say goodbye right? But truthfully I didn't feel that way. I didn't have to say goodbye or make last minute amends(I had the week before without knowing it) Yet, for sometime(and at times it even pops up in the present) I felt like there was something wrong with me for not feeling like I had to say goodbye like them while at the same time knowing there was nothing wrong.

I know it's not the same circumstances and I ramble but I hope smooths out for you*even more hugs*

*hugs*

My Dad, when I was about 14, killed himself. We'd been estranged for a few years at that point and when he came by, the night before, to talk and say his goodbyes (later, I realized that's what it was), I was a brat. And so the last thing I said to him was, 'yeah, whatever'. And that stuck with me for a while.

So I suppose I feel bad because I feel like I SHOULD say goodbye? But ultimately, I've met the woman four or five times, and even then, she didn't know me, thanks to dementia. So I don't know if I should, but I don't think that I'd blame myself for it? That sounds horrible, but it's true.

And thank you. *hugs*

*hugs*

Family things.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject