sodamnskippy exchange Fic!! Wet Hot American Summer (Mike Carden/Kevin Jonas)

[mayqueen517]

Title: Wet Hot American Summer
Author: mayqueen517
Recipient: akire_yta
Prompt: Set-up shenanigans - whether Mike and Kevin keep running into each other, or are set up, or whatever. I just want the oddest (funniest?), coolest way for those two crazy kids to get together. Any other AU/crossover
Summary: Harry Potter themed AU! Kevin is an Obliviator assigned to clean up after Mike's Auror team. There are shenanigans.
Warnings: None
Word count: 3930
Rating: PG-15ish for Mike's language.
Notes to Recipient: I'd had this swirling around in my head for a little while before I got my assignment, and the minute I saw 'any other AU/Crossover', I was just like OH!!!. This was written with a lot of love and I hope that you love it, akire_yta! Merry Christmas!
Thanks, Etc: The usual thanks to hector_rashbaum for cheering me on, as always.




Auror Carden:
The Ministry of Magic would like to remind you that proper conduct is required while on the job. Though your apprehension of the criminal is commendable, your method has raised some concerns. The concerns are as follows:

• Trampling the flowerbed of one Mrs. Haney


• Foul language


• Refusing to follow proper protocol on apprehending the criminal

Hoping you are well!
Kevin Jonas, Obliviator

====

Auror Carden:

The Ministry of Magic would like to remind you, once again, that proper conduct is required while on the job. As of the twenty-fifth of January of this year, you have recieved a total of twelve demerits. Furthermore, there are even more concerns:

• Destroying a fence without prompt repair


• Foul language
• Even more foul language (really, you have more reprimands for this than any other Auror team)


• Refusing to follow proper protocol

• Property damage (a window, a fence, the front door, the back door, and one hedge)


• Use of improper items to apprehend the criminal (joke items are not Ministry-approved)


• Refusal to answer the last fourteen letters sent by the Ministry about the concerns over your team's conduct in the field

Hoping this finds you well
Kevin Jonas, Obliviator

====

Carden:
This is the forty-fifth letter we have sent out to you and your team since January. It's only April. Please respond about your team's conduct in the field.

• Foul language


• Even more foul language
  
• Really, you can't just clean up your language a little? We don't even read the complaints anymore.
  
• Destruction of property: Two backyards, four fences, one bicycle, three cars, one bus, one scooter, a total of six windows, a lawn-mower, and the trampling of yet another flowerbed
  
• Yet again: Items from Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes are actually prohibited from use in the field
  
• Refusal to answer anything from the Ministry
  
  
  Kevin Jonas, Obliviator
  
  P.S.: Please actually respond this time.
  
  ====
  
  Mike:
  It's June. You haven't responded to anything from the Ministry. If you don't respond to this, the Ministry is going to suspend your team indefinitely for improper field conduct. That means you'll have to go to all sorts of remediation courses to teach you how to behave properly in the field.
  
  You should probably respond to this one.
  
  Kevin Jonas, Obliviator
  
  P.S.: Also, do you have something against flowerbeds? Twelve complaints in two weeks is a new record for you guys.
  
  ====
  
  The bus wasn't our fault, blame the criminal.
  -Mike
  
  
  "Well," Nicole says, stifling a laugh, "he did respond."
  
  "Shut up, Nicole."
  
  ====
  
  "So, you get to go out after they come back with the criminal to fix the damage as quickly as possible. Maybe this'll cut down on all the reports," Greta says cheerfully, blonde hair escaping the small, charmed, dragon clip. Kevin focuses on watching the animation loop, the dragon yawning, letting out a puff of smoke before it settles down. It's claws hold her hair and when it loops back, Greta is watching him.
  
  "Problem?" she says, smiling crookedly at him, and ordinarily, Kevin would smile back, would offer to get some coffee after work or something. Instead, he's staring at her, blinking slowly.
  
  "You want me to, what, join their team?"
  
  "Not quite. We're just going to assign you to clean up their messes instead of taking shifts, basically," Greta says and Kevin is remotely grateful that she doesn't suger-coat it, doesn't disguise it as a promotion or anything of that nature.
  
  "Why me?"
  
  "Because our charms show that Carden actually opens the letters you send," she says, grinning, and Kevin sighs. She watches him expectantly, biting her lip through the grin, white teeth flashing as he watches the dragon clip.
  
  "Okay," he says finally, as the dragon lets out a puff of smoke, settling back down for the next round of animation.
  
  ====
  
  "It's not like it's the end of the world, you'll be fine," Nicole says as Kevin sighs, nodding. He's packing up his desk, taking some comfort in the fact that at least he'll be able to work from Carden's headquarters. Nicole looks at him, fingers playing with the ribbon threaded through her hair that changes colors every few seconds. It's bright yellow now, bright through her hair and Kevin looks away, shrugging after a minute.
  
  "I'll have to be, huh?"
  
  
  Kevin likes Carden (Mike, he reminds himself) as they sit there and talk carefully. The file for the team is on the table between them as the rest of the team mill around in the background.
  
  "So how long will you be here?" Carden (Mike) asks, crossing his arms and Kevin has a sudden flash of Nick in his place as Kevin looks over the record, tapping his wand to the paper, bringing up his assignment. He passes it over to Carden who barely glances at it before looking back to Kevin.
  
  "As long as Greta thinks I should be, I guess," Kevin says, watching the guy who'd answered the door earlier sit down. Kevin tries to remember his name, looking over the file discretely as the guy and Carden start talking.
  
  "So are you gonna be taking notes about us and all?" the guy asks, blonde hair falling in his face as he shakes it out. His accent reminds Kevin of learning how to Apparate, checking in, getting bright smiles as they recorded his times before sending him on his way.
  
  "Maybe; I don't know yet. It'll depend on what Greta needs me to do," Kevin says, watching them exchange a look before he stumbles on the profile of the blonde, sighing in relief.
  
  "Cool," Carden says, grinning suddenly and something in Kevin's chest sparks, once, leaving Kevin feeling very off-balance.
  
  ====
  
  "I'm starting to think you have something against all flower-beds," Kevin says, standing in the yard and looking around at the destruction. Mike snorts, scratching his head as he activates the Portkey to send the criminal back.
  
  "Not my fault they're in the way," Mike says, waving his wand and Kevin watches the bricks right themselves and Kevin sighs finally. He waves his own wand and watches the soil go back to normal, the grass a little more flat, but he doesn't think the owners will notice too much.
  
  "You've really gotta start watching out for them," Kevin says, looking over at him watching him smile slowly. Mike is this combination of dork and so-cool-it-hurts that Kevin doesn't know what to do with. His friends are the same way and Kevin wants to ask them how exactly they manage to do that, but he figures it's just how they are.
  
  "Maybe," Mike allows, walking off and Kevin does not watch him walk away.
  
  ====
  
  "How. I don't. You have pink hair," Kevin says finally, staring at Mike and the others as they traipse in through the door. Butcher has tendrils of smoke drifting from his hair and Kevin is seriously worried that Mike is going to set fire to something with the way he's glaring.
  
  "No fucking shit, Sherlock," Mike spits out, letting out a frustrated growl as he stalks to the bathroom and when Kevin looks over at the others, Chiz shrugs easily. His hair is green, dripping with something that smells enough like mint to make Kevin's eyes water.
  
  "What happened?"
  
  "Went after 'em, announced our intentions, tried to take their wands, got dunked in a lot of potions and hit with a bunch of shit. They were kind of feisty; also, I'm pretty sure I got dunked in toothpaste," Chiz says, cheerful and grinning as Kevin opens his mouth soundlessly before shutting it quickly. Sisky and Butcher are laughing to themselves and Kevin is stunned by how glad he is that Sisky managed to get nothing on him.
  
  "How. I don't understand how you guys are the only ones that this happens to," Kevin says finally, before Apparating out to the site. Earlier that morning he had thought briefly that with him there, things would be better. When he sees the potion splattered walls and the ruined doors and everything else, he can't help but laugh helplessly.
  
  
  It takes him three hours to clean everything, put everything back, Obliviate those who need it, and finally return to where Mike's team are waiting. Kevin's not entirely sure why they constantly meet in the same flat, but he's glad to sit down, even if the team are being loud.
  
  "How bad?" Mike asks, and Kevin stares at him for a minute. Behind Mike, Bill is trying not to laugh and Kevin has only a moment to hope that he's not staring at Mike like he's grown another head.
  
  "Well, at least it was three hours and not three days like the last time," Kevin says, shooting for cheerful and feeling like he ends up somewhere around hopeless. Mike laughs, waving his wand easily and Kevin feels a little better when a cup of coffee pours itself and floats over. It's good wand-work, Kevin thinks idly, taking a slow sip before grimacing.
  
  "Sorry, didn't know how you took it," Mike says, offering milk and sugar. Kevin sighs, nodding slowly as he carefully fixes his coffee to how he likes it. Mike watches him the entire time, leaving Kevin unsettled but uncaring.
  
  "Thanks," Kevin says after he kicks his shoes off, flicking his wand and watching the shoes line themselves up against the door. Tilting his head back, Kevin sighs and listens to the rabble around them.
  
  "But no, really. How bad?"
  
  "Well, three apartments looked like a tornado went through them, one of those had a wall missing, two ruined doors, a melted carpet - which was disgusting, thanks, four ruined cauldrons, two Muggles who saw and were promptly Obliviated, and a bed that was smoldering and eventually caught fire while I was there," Kevin says, watching Mike laugh and sip on his coffee before shrugging.
  
  "If I tell you that we actually went by the book until the witches attacked us, would you believe me?"
  
  "No," Kevin says, watching Mike let out a bark of laughter, eyes bright and Kevin allows himself a small smile into his cup of coffee.
  
  ====
  
  "This is ridiculous," Kevin says, staring at the report checklist and the sheer amount of green on the paper is astounding. The scene in front of him isn't any better.
  
  One side of the house is splattered in exploded potions and glass, fluorescent pink and Kevin is fairly sure he saw Siska wearing a shirt that same color the other week. The door is completely blown off of it's hinges and beside of him, holding onto his arm (Kevin has stopped asking why, about certain things), Butcher is covered in something blue that smells faintly like clean laundry and coffee.
  
  Across from them (and why is Butcher's hand creeping over his back?), there's and entire fence in shambles, one lone post still standing like it's keeping watch. At Kevin's feet (and Butcher's; how exactly did he manage to wrap one of his legs around one of Kevin's?) are a group of bewitched stuffed animals, one of which is waving it's arms and squeaking to the others.
  
  "Watch his hands, dude," Mike says, motioning to Butcher and Kevin can't help the yelp as Butcher's hand slides down his back. Kevin struggles away from him and Mike's laughing now and Kevin thinks, idly, that he hates Mike Carden.
  
  "What's going on?" Kevin asks, trying to untangle Butcher's leg and get away from his wandering hands.
  
  "Eh, the people were mixing up some hybrid potions or whatever; my guess is an infatuation potion. It'll wear off soon," Mike says, grinning as he Apparates out and Kevin is left staring at the toys at his feet. One squeaks loudly up at him, the others tilting their heads curiously (at least, Kevin thinks it's curiously), and Kevin sighs, smacking Butcher's hand.
  
  "If you say so."
  
  
  Kevin doesn't know how long he stays at the site, but when he goes home (four newly animated toys that are now firmly attached to Kevin), Mike's left a cup of coffee out on the table for him. Steam curls in on itself, writhing and twisting hypnotically as Kevin picks it up and takes a long, slow sip of it.
  
  "Thought you'd need it," Mike says, walking in and Kevin can't keep his eyes from wandering to the strip of skin between Mike's shirt and his sweatpants.
  
  "Thanks," Kevin says, leaning back into the chair as the squeaks of the toys settling in the living room drift to them. Mike arches his eyebrow as he sits down at the table with Kevin. The light above them catches the glint of Mike's pen moving across the paper as Kevin sips his coffee carefully.
  
  "Too much to hope that you're writing your report, huh?" Kevin asks ruefully, watching Mike grin and snort.
  
  "Pretty much. Letter to my Mom," Mike says, not looking up and Kevin can't take his eyes off of Mike's fingers and the hair that falls into Mike's face. There's always some weird spark in Kevin's chest, like it's waiting to catch fire, and when Mike looks up and meets Kevin's eyes, it startles Kevin into looking down. He doesn't miss the slow curl of Mike's lips though, and he distracts himself by standing and refilling his cup of coffee.
  
  "You get Butcher settled?" Mike asks as Kevin snorts.
  
  "Before or after he groped me?"
  
  Mike laughs, this weird laugh that makes Kevin grin to himself as he adds cream and sugar.
  
  "Yeah, the potion wore off pretty quickly, thankfully. Did they throw the potions at you guys?"
  
  "Something like that," Mike says absently and Kevin watches him chew on the pen before he scribbles something else down. Kevin sits back down in his chair, kicking his shoes off as he pulls one of his legs up, watching Mike idly. He zones out, slowly spinning his coffee cup around and around before Mike snorts softly.
  
  Kevin jumps when Mike kicks at his leg, coming back to himself to find Mike shaking his head bemusedly, a smirk on his face.
  
  "Go to bed, dude," Mike says finally, as Kevin thinks about fighting him on it, but decides against it.
  
  "Night, Mike."
  
  "Night," Mike says as Kevin walks by and Kevin goes to sleep, thinking about the feeling of Mike's eyes on his back.
  
  ====
  
  "Hey, Kevin, you've got a little blue-"
  
  "Shut up, Sisky."
  
  =====
  
  "Told you we went by the book."
  
  "Mike?"
  
  "Yeah?"
  
  "Shut up."
  
  =====
  
  "So how goes the new assignment?" Nicole asks, laughing when Kevin groans. The sunshine is nice on the parlor of the ice cream shop and Kevin sighs, taking a careful bite of his ice cream.
  
  "They are the most frustrating team I've ever met. And they work together better than any other team I've ever seen. Also, I think they hate gardens," Kevin says, making Nicole burst out laughing.
  
  "Not all bad though?" she says after she calms down, a grin still on her face as she tilts her head at him lightly. The blue piping on her robes stands out against her tan skin and the wind ruffles a few loose strands of her hair and Kevin can't stop the smile that crosses his face.
  
  "No, not all bad," Kevin says, thinking of Mike and the cups of coffee that await him after a long day of cleaning up after the team.
  
  "Not very bad at all, really," Kevin says.
  
  =====
  
  "You have something against geraniums and greenhouses, don't you?"
  
  "Not really, they're just always in the way."
  
  "In the way."
  
  "Yeah," Mike says, grinning at him as Kevin stares at the still smoldering ruins of a greenhouse. Around them, the grass is glowing and Kevin can only spare the hint of a thought for it as Bill conjures up a bundle of rags for all of them to wipe off. Mike's got something blue streaked down his cheek and over his eye, and Kevin can't quite stop staring at it.
  
  "So what's the verdict?" Bill says, wandering over to them, handing a rag to Mike who murmurs a thanks and wipes his face. Kevin looks over the wreckage and wonders if it's too late to request a transfer. He hears that the Department of Mysteries is looking for new Unspeakables.
  
  "Four greenhouses, two of which are professional greenhouses belonging to a researcher with a lot of rare plants. Twelve flowerbeds, and two roofs. A pretty low count for you guys," Kevin says, wanting to laugh, or cry, or just groan at the fact that this is a good day for them, but he's been out on calls with them.
  
  He knows they operate by the book, and if Kevin didn't know better (and hadn't called in a favor to have them checked), he would say they have a Poltergeist following them around.
  
  "How bad are the plants?"
  
  "Let's not talk about that. Help them fix the roofs, I'll manage the flowerbeds, and then you are going to help me catalog every single rare plant destroyed," Kevin says, watching Mike groan, and Kevin can't help but try to hide a smile.
  
  
  Kevin can't stop staring at Mike Carden's arms. It's not really his fault, he thinks, ducking his head to concentrate on the quill and parchment that's recording all the plants they call out. It doesn't really need any supervision, but Kevin's always been good at improvising.
  
  "Why an Obliviator?" Mike says from nearby, making Kevin jump. He's leaning against one of the few tables left standing, crossing his arms over his chest, like he knows that Kevin can't stop staring at them. Kevin swallows hard before blinking and shrugging.
  
  He straightens up and taps the parchment with his wand, pausing the movement of the quill easily as he stretches. Kevin feels his back pop and it's only then that he answers Mike.
  
  "I always liked Charms. But I couldn't find anyone to apprentice with to get into the Experimental Charms Division, and the Obliviator Squad made a good case," Kevin says, trying a smile as Mike laughs softly, nodding.
  
  "I tried apprenticing for Defense classes after I graduated. They said I have absolutely zero patience, so I decided to go into the Auror program," Mike says as Kevin snorts. Mike grins and hops up onto the table, swinging his legs as Kevin waves his wand idly, putting the big tables to rights again, watching them repair themselves quickly.
  
  "Your team scores highest on all of the teamwork exercises," Kevin says after a moment of silence. He's seen the scores, surpassing all the other teams, and Kevin thinks that after spending some time with the team, getting to know them, that it's not all that surprising.
  
  "Were you looking us up, Kevin Jonas?" Mike asks, grinning as Kevin's cheeks flush. Hopping down, Mike walks over, grinning more, and it should look feral or something, but all Kevin can see is the humor gleaming in his eyes.
  
  "I. Well. It was research, really. I was going to be working with you and I needed to know how you guys worked, and. Why are you staring at me?" Kevin says, blinking as Mike stands in front of him, grin fading into something a little more teasing.
  
  "Are you always this nervous?"
  
  "No?"
  
  Mike laughs softly, crowding into Kevin's space easily, and Kevin can feel himself breathing harder. Mike smells like sweat and it shouldn't make Kevin want to wrap around him and lay back and let Mike do whatever he wants, but it does. They meet eyes and Kevin can feel Mike's hand, warm and careful, on his hip, adjusting them carefully as Mike meets his eyes.
  
  "If I kiss you, are you going to spend three days avoiding me?" Mike asks, voice easy and warm, like they're talking late at night, like they're talking over coffee, like this is all so normal for the two of them. And there's a part of Kevin, a part that's screaming about how wrong it is, how it shouldn't happen, how he shouldn't be pleased by Mike's thumb rubbing lightly over the skin at his hip, and it's that part that Kevin studiously ignores.
  
  "I don't think so," Kevin says quietly, watching the surprise flit over Mike's face before Mike smiles slowly. Leaning up, Kevin feels his pulse jump, the muted flutter of it making him close his eyes as Mike's lips touch his. Mike's lips are cool and dry as Kevin slowly relaxes into it.
  
  He shifts, tentatively winding his arms around Mike's neck, kissing him back and it sends a thrill through him, feeling Mike's stubble pressing against his own. Mike kisses lazily, Kevin thinks, tangling their tongues together slowly, feeling the jolt of arousal slide through him quickly, like a ghost walking through the both of them.
  
  Actually, it does feel kind of cold, Kevin thinks as they pull apart slowly. Mike blinks and jumps back and Kevin would like to remind him about the complaints of Mike's language, but really, Kevin can't say he can blame him for it after the ghost walks through Mike again.
  
  "Motherfucking son-of-a-bitch, what the hell is it doing?" Mike asks as Kevin can't stop the snort of laughter. The ghost ignores them, making his way around the greenhouse in another circuit before floating out of the demolished entrance, sliding up the steps to the house. Mike looks over at Kevin as he lets another snort of laughter slip through.
  
  "Go ahead, laugh it up," Mike says, eyeing him. Kevin doesn't mean to, but he figures that it's par for the course of anything with Mike while on a job. Laughing, Kevin sits down on the table, watching Mike shake his head, trying not to smile.
  
  "No, it's just," Kevin breaks off, laughing as he pushes his hair back from his face. His face feels the tiniest bit dirty, like he's been cleaning under the bed for an hour, but he watches Mike easily, "I guess that if it was going to happen to anyone, it'd be you," Kevin says finally, watching Mike snort and laugh.
  
  "True. I just wanna know what the fuck it was doing," Mike says, making Kevin laugh.
  
  "It was probably the original owner of the land. I bet he's got such a routine that he doesn't notice anything new," Kevin says, bracing his hands on the table, preparing to hop down as Mike wanders back over.
  
  "I would have thought you'd be freaked out," Mike says idly, leaning on the table beside of him. Kevin shrugs slowly, looking down at his hands before looking over at Mike.
  
  "It's not. There's a part of me that thinks I should be, but I'm not," he says finally, as Mike nods, smiling as he tugs Kevin down for a slow kiss that leaves Kevin's blood singing and him breathing hard.
  
  "Good."
  
  ====
  
  Auror Carden:
  The Ministry of Magic would like to congratulate you and your team on your high scores for teamwork and strategy in the annual Ministry competition. However, there are some concerns:
  
  • Foul language
  
  
  • Improper use of non-Ministry approved items
  
  
  • Tying up another team is frowned upon, especially when coded with a password that nobody but your team knows.
  
  
  • Destruction of Ministry property
  
  
  • Hiding Ministry property. Those were very important documents, and we do not appreciate them being hidden.
  
  
  You and your team will report to the Ministry of Magic on Monday morning at 9am for remedial training on proper behavior in the field.
  
  
  Sincerely,
  Nicole Anderson, Obliviator
  
  
  (P.S. - Could you tell Kevin to Floo me about Friday? Thanks!)
  
  ====
  
  "Remedial training?"
  
  "Hiding the papers was probably the breaking point. Or maybe the language. Then again, the Weasley products probably weren't the best ideas either."
  
  "Kevin?"
  
  "Hmm?"
  
  "Shut up."