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mayqueen517Sooooo....IDK about this. I've wanted to do a 5 times fic for AGES and yet the one I do is about Panic and Brendon and...IDEK, you guys.
Title: Always Up Or Down
Pairing: GSF! (Or AKA Brendon Urie/Jon Walker/Spencer Smith/Ryan Ross)
Rating: PG for some language. (very little)
Disclaimer: I own nothing and nobody in this fic. I probably don't even own the premise, honestly. But this does end in breakup!fic which makes me feel all kinds of sad. I didn't want it to be this sad, but...oops. Also, there are a lot of mentions of Brent, because I kind of like the dude, despite some of his douchier moments. I think that Brendon and the boys were better friends with him than some people think. So. Yeah. Lots of Brent Wilson mentions.
::::LJ cut text along with the title comes from 'Down And Out' by The Academy Is... from their album Almost Here.::::
Summary: Five times Brendon Urie loved his band best...and one he didn't.
When his parents kick him out, Brendon finds himself curled up against Spencer, one strong arm around him, supporting him through the shudders as Brendon breathes quietly. His eyes hurt like he wants to cry, but he knows that he won't. Brendon knows that the tears won't come because he's already tried to cry. He's already tried to get that feeling of pressure off his chest.
Ryan and Brent are sitting across from them, Brent's eyes wide and Ryan's hard. Ryan, who gets family problems (but not in the same way that Brendon's having them, they both know that), and Brent who doesn't understand why Brendon's family would do this.
"You can come stay with me," says Spencer a split second before Brent offers the same thing. Ryan doesn't, and they all understand. His eyes watch Brendon who feels his spine stiffen for a moment before he gets control of himself, still curled into Spencer's soft warmth.
"Just until Friday. Then I'm apartment hunting. I don't have to work on Friday, but I can pick up some extra shifts and find an apartment. This...it's only temporary," he says, ignoring the way his voice shakes, because his heart still hurts at hearing his Mom's shrill disbelief, and his Dad's disappointment.
"Okay. Friday, then," Spencer says, a hand gently ruffling his hair as Brent leans over and shoves Brendon's knee lightly, giving him one of those looks that Brendon's still trying to figure out.
"You can switch off staying with me and Spence until you find something. You're not gonna sleep in that fucking van. And don't even, I know you, dude. I'll take you to work after school and we'll figure out something to pick you up, deal?"
"I'll pick him up. This is...too important to let something like this stop us," Ryan says and Brendon's never been so glad for Ryan's sheer knowledge of how to take the heat off someone else. Brendon knows, without looking, that Spencer is eyeing Ryan with a calculating look, like Spencer knows exactly what Ryan's up to.
They bicker and when Brendon catches Brent's eyes, the wide-eyed, confused expression is gone, replaced with a fond eyeroll that has Brendon snickering with the same amount of affection.
His band is the best.
=====
When Brent leaves, and really leaves, Brendon tries texting him. And texting him some more. And leaving a voice mail. Or four. Brendon finally gives in one day, the sun beating down on him as he curls his arms around his knees, sitting under a shady tree with his eyes closed. Brendon's not sure what's going to happen, but he knows that the awesomeness that is Jon Walker won't fail them.
He just wishes they hadn't failed Brent. Or whatever way it went. Brendon's not sure how it happened, because honestly, he'd thought that Brent was fine. Withdrawn, but he'd been like that the first time he met Brendon.
"Little friend, you need to stop moping, I think,"
"Hi, William," he says, looking up (and up) as William folds his limbs and sits down beside of Brendon, Tom on the other side.
"He not answering?" asks Tom, voice quiet and Brendon doesn't know him very well, but he's always smiling halfway at William and outright grinning at Jon (and who wouldn't?), so Brendon thinks he's okay. Part of him aches at remembering when Brent first met the guys in The Academy Is... and his fanboy eyes, and the way that it reminded Brendon and Spencer of when Ryan first met Pete.
"No. Not at all. I'd call his home phone if I knew that he'd answer it,"
"Sometimes you've gotta give 'em space, little dude," says Tom, slinging an arm around Brendon's shoulder, giving him a comforting shake as William flops onto his side. He acts about twenty different kinds of crazy when he thinks the situation calls for it, but Brendon wonders how deep all of it goes.
"Brendon Urie, I extend the invitation of imbibing alcohol with the esteemed company of my bus. What say you?"
"I say that it sounds pretty fucking fantastic,"
William and Tom share a look and Brendon just wants to crawl into his bunk (or anywhere, really) and try to call Brent for the thirtieth time.
Brendon thinks that drinking with The Academy Is... guys is the best idea ever. Who cares about Ryan Ross' scornful looks and Spencer Smith's disappointed frowny face. Brendon is having the best time ever. William's handing him beer (he doesn't like it too much) and various shots that have Carden laughing like an idiot.
Brendon likes shots.
He fumbles his phone out of his pocket, or at least tries to, spinning around a bit to try and pin the stupid piece of technology down as he fires off a few text messages to Brent, all of them summing up to 'fuck you, ass' and the like.
"I think you've had enough," says Spencer, curling a hand around his arm as Brendon tries to fight him. Brendon's not really in the position to fight Spencer though (even when sober), and so when Ryan walks off, tension lining every bit of his body, Brendon watches him mournfully.
"I miss Brent, Spencer Smith,"
Spencer sighs and hugs him close as they slowly make their way to the bus, sitting down on the lounge couch and cuddling him. And man, cuddling with Spencer is even more amazing when he's drunk.
"Me too, Bren,"
And Spencer's there for him through the night, through getting sick and whining and Brendon kind of thinks Spencer is a god. Or an angel. Something awesome.
But Ryan's the one who sits with him the next morning, eyes hooded and covered in enough eyeshadow that Brendon wonders if he could chip it off and reveal the true Ryan Ross to him.
"I hate people who drink to deal. So that was stupid. Stupid and it makes me hate you,"
Brendon hears what he's trying to say, and even through that monotone and the clearly rehearsed speech, Brendon gets it. He shifts over, tucking his head under Ryan's chin ans sighs softly, feeling small and stupid for thinking it was a good idea. Spencer's standing in the doorway when Brendon turns his head up to Ryan.
"I miss Brent. And I'm sorry,"
"Okay," and that's that. For someone who's ridiculously long winded about his metaphors, sometimes the only thing to say to get Ryan Ross' forgiveness is simple.
=====
"We want you to join the band, Jon,"
"Please, Jon Walker! Grace us with your clear and present awesomeness," says Brendon, beaming as Spencer and Ryan roll their eyes. Which, whatever. Jon Walker is made of so much awesome, he doesn't know how that body contains it.
"Are you...you're serious?"
"Well, we were thinking of taking Siska, but William threatened death instead of maiming," says Ryan, expression not changing as Jon blinks before a grin spreads over his face, delight written over every inch of his face. Jon flings himself at the three of them, hugging tight as Brendon laughs happily, hugging back just as tight and thinking that this would be the most perfect fucking Disney happy ending.
=====
There are times that Brent's leaving seems to hit Spencer the hardest, Brendon thinks. Times like this when Brent's making a fuss about how he wasn't given any money for what he played on Fever. Brendon holds his tongue for so long before he shoots back a response that makes Ryan's lips tighten and Jon go quiet.
The way that Spencer gives him though makes it worth it. It's even worth the argument that him and Ryan get into back at the hotel, worth the way that Spencer just walks out tiredly.
"Great. Not only does he blame himself for having to fire Brent, but now he's gonna blame himself because we're arguing. Fuck, Ryan, do you just want to drive us crazy? Is that your way of coping with whatever the hell's going on in your head?"
Brendon and Ryan are left staring at each other as Jon storms out. Jon. Jon Walker storming out brings a pretty effective end to the argument.
"You shouldn't have said anything. You just...shouldn't have. It was stupid, Brendon,"
"Yeah. I know it was. But fuck, Jon's right. Spencer's been fucking blaming himself over Brent since the phone call. I mean. You do know that, right, Ryan?"
Ryan deflates and Brendon can't help dragging him into a hug, holding him close as they sit in silence. Brendon knows that Ryan understands, but Ryan's so tired of criticism and the backlash from the fans over Pretty. Odd.
"I won't say anything next time, deal?"
Ryan doesn't say anything, but the way he drags Brendon over to Spencer and Jon's room says everything, Brendon thinks.
They end up curled up on one bed, Spencer speaking quietly, letting them know how long he's been carrying this and how long it's been festering. Brendon worries over him and when he sees the way that Jon looks at him, he knows the same worry is shared by all of them.
Brendon figures it's why they all end the day in a tangle of limbs and the sounds of moaning.
=====
When Brendon gets a phone call from his parents, and they're apologizing and saying they'll come out for the Vegas show, it's pretty much at the worst possible time.
Somehow, sliding into a foursome anything (let alone a relationship) is harder than Brendon ever thought. Spencer and Ryan are pulling against each other, testing the bounds of their long friendship and they're pushing against Brendon and Jon, like it's all going to collapse and they want to see how long it takes.
The phone call comes and Brendon retreats to his bedroom, curling up under the covers with the comforter over his head like he did when he was a child. He doesn't cry or anything like that, but Brendon does recognize the quiet panic attack he's having.
When weight pulls the comforter from over his head, he sees Ryan's soft eyes looking at him. He and Ryan have always had this weird tension that stretches and snaps back into comfort every so often. Brendon doesn't yet know if he likes it, but he likes the permission of hugs and touches and kisses he suddenly has. He likes curling up against Jon and kissing him softly. He likes feeling Spencer's arms wrapped around him and knowing that it's for something more than Brendon needing a cuddle.
But today, he's not sure if he wants to see them.
"My parents called," he finally says softly, seeing Ryan's eyes widen and then Ryan's sliding under the covers with him. It's like a sleepover and Brendon cuddles into Ryan with a happy noise.
"You okay?"
"I think so?" he asks, laughing a little as Ryan nods, pulling out his phone and texting Jon and Spencer. Brendon curls closer, burying his nose into the hollow of Ryan's throat and inhaling slowly, comforting himself even as Ryan fidgets with Brendon's shirt. Brendon thinks it's funny, they were both starved for affection in some ways, but Ryan never reconciled that with himself.
"Do you ever wish your Mom would call you?"
"No. She left. It...she left and I've never even gotten a card or anything. She doesn't deserve to be in my life,"
Brendon fists his hands in Ryan's shirt, looking up at him and Ryan's eyes are open and honest and it's startling. Ryan tries to close himself off, but there's this moment now, of being curled under covers, a blanket over their heads and making this moment into a secret. Ryan kisses him, firm and possessive as the door opens and before Brendon knows it, Jon and Spencer are touching him, petting and kissing softly.
They take care of him, his band, and he thinks that if he were more upset, he'd be crying with relief and love.
And one he didn't...
"So we're done then."
Brendon feels his heart break as Ryan's eyes (glazed and open with false honesty) look over them. Jon looks heartbroken and Spencer looks angry. Angry and upset with Ryan and Brendon just wants to cry.
"Guess so," Brendon says, voice breaking as he walks outside and looks over the ocean.
At times like this, Brendon wonders how he managed to fall in love with three people and thought that it would all be fine.
Nothing's fine anymore.
Title: Always Up Or Down
Pairing: GSF! (Or AKA Brendon Urie/Jon Walker/Spencer Smith/Ryan Ross)
Rating: PG for some language. (very little)
Disclaimer: I own nothing and nobody in this fic. I probably don't even own the premise, honestly. But this does end in breakup!fic which makes me feel all kinds of sad. I didn't want it to be this sad, but...oops. Also, there are a lot of mentions of Brent, because I kind of like the dude, despite some of his douchier moments. I think that Brendon and the boys were better friends with him than some people think. So. Yeah. Lots of Brent Wilson mentions.
::::LJ cut text along with the title comes from 'Down And Out' by The Academy Is... from their album Almost Here.::::
Summary: Five times Brendon Urie loved his band best...and one he didn't.
When his parents kick him out, Brendon finds himself curled up against Spencer, one strong arm around him, supporting him through the shudders as Brendon breathes quietly. His eyes hurt like he wants to cry, but he knows that he won't. Brendon knows that the tears won't come because he's already tried to cry. He's already tried to get that feeling of pressure off his chest.
Ryan and Brent are sitting across from them, Brent's eyes wide and Ryan's hard. Ryan, who gets family problems (but not in the same way that Brendon's having them, they both know that), and Brent who doesn't understand why Brendon's family would do this.
"You can come stay with me," says Spencer a split second before Brent offers the same thing. Ryan doesn't, and they all understand. His eyes watch Brendon who feels his spine stiffen for a moment before he gets control of himself, still curled into Spencer's soft warmth.
"Just until Friday. Then I'm apartment hunting. I don't have to work on Friday, but I can pick up some extra shifts and find an apartment. This...it's only temporary," he says, ignoring the way his voice shakes, because his heart still hurts at hearing his Mom's shrill disbelief, and his Dad's disappointment.
"Okay. Friday, then," Spencer says, a hand gently ruffling his hair as Brent leans over and shoves Brendon's knee lightly, giving him one of those looks that Brendon's still trying to figure out.
"You can switch off staying with me and Spence until you find something. You're not gonna sleep in that fucking van. And don't even, I know you, dude. I'll take you to work after school and we'll figure out something to pick you up, deal?"
"I'll pick him up. This is...too important to let something like this stop us," Ryan says and Brendon's never been so glad for Ryan's sheer knowledge of how to take the heat off someone else. Brendon knows, without looking, that Spencer is eyeing Ryan with a calculating look, like Spencer knows exactly what Ryan's up to.
They bicker and when Brendon catches Brent's eyes, the wide-eyed, confused expression is gone, replaced with a fond eyeroll that has Brendon snickering with the same amount of affection.
His band is the best.
=====
When Brent leaves, and really leaves, Brendon tries texting him. And texting him some more. And leaving a voice mail. Or four. Brendon finally gives in one day, the sun beating down on him as he curls his arms around his knees, sitting under a shady tree with his eyes closed. Brendon's not sure what's going to happen, but he knows that the awesomeness that is Jon Walker won't fail them.
He just wishes they hadn't failed Brent. Or whatever way it went. Brendon's not sure how it happened, because honestly, he'd thought that Brent was fine. Withdrawn, but he'd been like that the first time he met Brendon.
"Little friend, you need to stop moping, I think,"
"Hi, William," he says, looking up (and up) as William folds his limbs and sits down beside of Brendon, Tom on the other side.
"He not answering?" asks Tom, voice quiet and Brendon doesn't know him very well, but he's always smiling halfway at William and outright grinning at Jon (and who wouldn't?), so Brendon thinks he's okay. Part of him aches at remembering when Brent first met the guys in The Academy Is... and his fanboy eyes, and the way that it reminded Brendon and Spencer of when Ryan first met Pete.
"No. Not at all. I'd call his home phone if I knew that he'd answer it,"
"Sometimes you've gotta give 'em space, little dude," says Tom, slinging an arm around Brendon's shoulder, giving him a comforting shake as William flops onto his side. He acts about twenty different kinds of crazy when he thinks the situation calls for it, but Brendon wonders how deep all of it goes.
"Brendon Urie, I extend the invitation of imbibing alcohol with the esteemed company of my bus. What say you?"
"I say that it sounds pretty fucking fantastic,"
William and Tom share a look and Brendon just wants to crawl into his bunk (or anywhere, really) and try to call Brent for the thirtieth time.
Brendon thinks that drinking with The Academy Is... guys is the best idea ever. Who cares about Ryan Ross' scornful looks and Spencer Smith's disappointed frowny face. Brendon is having the best time ever. William's handing him beer (he doesn't like it too much) and various shots that have Carden laughing like an idiot.
Brendon likes shots.
He fumbles his phone out of his pocket, or at least tries to, spinning around a bit to try and pin the stupid piece of technology down as he fires off a few text messages to Brent, all of them summing up to 'fuck you, ass' and the like.
"I think you've had enough," says Spencer, curling a hand around his arm as Brendon tries to fight him. Brendon's not really in the position to fight Spencer though (even when sober), and so when Ryan walks off, tension lining every bit of his body, Brendon watches him mournfully.
"I miss Brent, Spencer Smith,"
Spencer sighs and hugs him close as they slowly make their way to the bus, sitting down on the lounge couch and cuddling him. And man, cuddling with Spencer is even more amazing when he's drunk.
"Me too, Bren,"
And Spencer's there for him through the night, through getting sick and whining and Brendon kind of thinks Spencer is a god. Or an angel. Something awesome.
But Ryan's the one who sits with him the next morning, eyes hooded and covered in enough eyeshadow that Brendon wonders if he could chip it off and reveal the true Ryan Ross to him.
"I hate people who drink to deal. So that was stupid. Stupid and it makes me hate you,"
Brendon hears what he's trying to say, and even through that monotone and the clearly rehearsed speech, Brendon gets it. He shifts over, tucking his head under Ryan's chin ans sighs softly, feeling small and stupid for thinking it was a good idea. Spencer's standing in the doorway when Brendon turns his head up to Ryan.
"I miss Brent. And I'm sorry,"
"Okay," and that's that. For someone who's ridiculously long winded about his metaphors, sometimes the only thing to say to get Ryan Ross' forgiveness is simple.
=====
"We want you to join the band, Jon,"
"Please, Jon Walker! Grace us with your clear and present awesomeness," says Brendon, beaming as Spencer and Ryan roll their eyes. Which, whatever. Jon Walker is made of so much awesome, he doesn't know how that body contains it.
"Are you...you're serious?"
"Well, we were thinking of taking Siska, but William threatened death instead of maiming," says Ryan, expression not changing as Jon blinks before a grin spreads over his face, delight written over every inch of his face. Jon flings himself at the three of them, hugging tight as Brendon laughs happily, hugging back just as tight and thinking that this would be the most perfect fucking Disney happy ending.
=====
There are times that Brent's leaving seems to hit Spencer the hardest, Brendon thinks. Times like this when Brent's making a fuss about how he wasn't given any money for what he played on Fever. Brendon holds his tongue for so long before he shoots back a response that makes Ryan's lips tighten and Jon go quiet.
The way that Spencer gives him though makes it worth it. It's even worth the argument that him and Ryan get into back at the hotel, worth the way that Spencer just walks out tiredly.
"Great. Not only does he blame himself for having to fire Brent, but now he's gonna blame himself because we're arguing. Fuck, Ryan, do you just want to drive us crazy? Is that your way of coping with whatever the hell's going on in your head?"
Brendon and Ryan are left staring at each other as Jon storms out. Jon. Jon Walker storming out brings a pretty effective end to the argument.
"You shouldn't have said anything. You just...shouldn't have. It was stupid, Brendon,"
"Yeah. I know it was. But fuck, Jon's right. Spencer's been fucking blaming himself over Brent since the phone call. I mean. You do know that, right, Ryan?"
Ryan deflates and Brendon can't help dragging him into a hug, holding him close as they sit in silence. Brendon knows that Ryan understands, but Ryan's so tired of criticism and the backlash from the fans over Pretty. Odd.
"I won't say anything next time, deal?"
Ryan doesn't say anything, but the way he drags Brendon over to Spencer and Jon's room says everything, Brendon thinks.
They end up curled up on one bed, Spencer speaking quietly, letting them know how long he's been carrying this and how long it's been festering. Brendon worries over him and when he sees the way that Jon looks at him, he knows the same worry is shared by all of them.
Brendon figures it's why they all end the day in a tangle of limbs and the sounds of moaning.
=====
When Brendon gets a phone call from his parents, and they're apologizing and saying they'll come out for the Vegas show, it's pretty much at the worst possible time.
Somehow, sliding into a foursome anything (let alone a relationship) is harder than Brendon ever thought. Spencer and Ryan are pulling against each other, testing the bounds of their long friendship and they're pushing against Brendon and Jon, like it's all going to collapse and they want to see how long it takes.
The phone call comes and Brendon retreats to his bedroom, curling up under the covers with the comforter over his head like he did when he was a child. He doesn't cry or anything like that, but Brendon does recognize the quiet panic attack he's having.
When weight pulls the comforter from over his head, he sees Ryan's soft eyes looking at him. He and Ryan have always had this weird tension that stretches and snaps back into comfort every so often. Brendon doesn't yet know if he likes it, but he likes the permission of hugs and touches and kisses he suddenly has. He likes curling up against Jon and kissing him softly. He likes feeling Spencer's arms wrapped around him and knowing that it's for something more than Brendon needing a cuddle.
But today, he's not sure if he wants to see them.
"My parents called," he finally says softly, seeing Ryan's eyes widen and then Ryan's sliding under the covers with him. It's like a sleepover and Brendon cuddles into Ryan with a happy noise.
"You okay?"
"I think so?" he asks, laughing a little as Ryan nods, pulling out his phone and texting Jon and Spencer. Brendon curls closer, burying his nose into the hollow of Ryan's throat and inhaling slowly, comforting himself even as Ryan fidgets with Brendon's shirt. Brendon thinks it's funny, they were both starved for affection in some ways, but Ryan never reconciled that with himself.
"Do you ever wish your Mom would call you?"
"No. She left. It...she left and I've never even gotten a card or anything. She doesn't deserve to be in my life,"
Brendon fists his hands in Ryan's shirt, looking up at him and Ryan's eyes are open and honest and it's startling. Ryan tries to close himself off, but there's this moment now, of being curled under covers, a blanket over their heads and making this moment into a secret. Ryan kisses him, firm and possessive as the door opens and before Brendon knows it, Jon and Spencer are touching him, petting and kissing softly.
They take care of him, his band, and he thinks that if he were more upset, he'd be crying with relief and love.
And one he didn't...
"So we're done then."
Brendon feels his heart break as Ryan's eyes (glazed and open with false honesty) look over them. Jon looks heartbroken and Spencer looks angry. Angry and upset with Ryan and Brendon just wants to cry.
"Guess so," Brendon says, voice breaking as he walks outside and looks over the ocean.
At times like this, Brendon wonders how he managed to fall in love with three people and thought that it would all be fine.
Nothing's fine anymore.
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no subject
Date: 20 Aug 2009 21:56 (UTC)And thank you so much. I feel like the whole Panic split kind of was something that built up over time and finally split them apart, I think. I don't know, maybe that's just me.
♥ Thank you again! ♥
no subject
Date: 11 Sep 2010 04:16 (UTC)So, yeah, I'm rambling at you just to say I really liked it. :)
no subject
Date: 11 Sep 2010 05:08 (UTC)Thank you so much for this review, you have no idea how it made my night! Also, I don't think Brendon was a crying mess, I don't think he's the TYPE to be a crying mess. I think that he's a lot stronger than that, I think that he's the type to hide it all and maybe save some frustration for when he's alone and can just let go of it all.
And now I'm rambling BACK at you to say thank you again!
no subject
Date: 11 Sep 2010 06:30 (UTC)This is exactly what I'm saying! So many people have him sitting in a corner crying or generally falling apart over everything situation you used...and I can deal with that sometimes but I definitely agree that Brendon seems much stronger than falling apart around a whole group of people...even if it is his band.
Haha as you can see...rambling so doesn't big me. (and sorry for any ridiculous typoes...I'm on my phone right now)
no subject
Date: 11 Sep 2010 06:42 (UTC)And ahahaha, no worries about typos...I had just gotten home from work when I first replied to your comment, so I'm half-way asleep right now. XD